hi my name is bob, and i work at my job.
k my name is actually amanda, and i do work at my job but i don’t have a problem with that little white rock so i think i’m good. but i do have a problem that i guess sort of parrallels bobs problem. hopefully i will know the color of my daughters eyes though.
i need you. but you are a granny and you are sleeping.
K it goes like this. Its the same things over and over and over. And i feel like even miles away i can’t even break myself out of it. i feel like no matter how many conversations i have with myself, or you, i can’t fucking get out. i don’t know what i have to do. i feel like no matter what i tell myself, or the PROOF that is right in front of me, i can’t make it stop. no matter how much shit i have put up with. and no matter how much i lie to everyone. no matter how much i lie to myself. i can’t get out.
i know all the things anyone would say to me. i know all the things i say to myself. i KNOW all the right things to do, all the good things to do to get out. But its like i’m in a fast car, being kidnapped and I know that the only way that I can survive is if i jump out of the car, and its all i want to do. All i want to do is jump out of the car and i keep telling myself “in 3,2,1” but i never get past two because my fear of jumping out of a goddamn car takes over. i’m in that car right now, and i can’t get past two.
i need you to listen to me as i spew my irrationals wants and fears and comments about something that you have been hearing about for far too long. about something that shouldn’t even be talked about anymore. but i can’t jump out the car. and i need you to talk me down. i need you to help me get out the car. but first i need you to be in the car with me and i need you to understand.
I don’t want to talk about it. I would like to avoid 17 hour conversations about something that makes me want to pry my eyeballs out with a fork. I would much rather be playing Super Mario Galaxy. But not even Mario, can keep this outta my mind. So it has to be done.
if you understand any of this, you will be my best friend for my entire life. its trufax.